It’s every day.

A day for me can go one of two ways. 1: I fight, and I feel normal – happy even. 2: I wake up. And it’s already started. The fear, the panic, the grief. That’s what begins my every day. That’s what can and does happen – that’s what I have to battle through. There’s this quote from a TV show that I’m terribly fond of. It goes, “The hardest thing in this world… is to live in it. Be brave. Live.”¹

The thing is, I can imagine most people don’t constantly think about how they’re going to get through their day, the next day, and the day after. In my mind, most people are just thinking about what they need to do, or who they want to see. But for me – I constantly think about living. I constantly think about what’s worth it, what hurts, and what will get me through it. I have to.

Let me try to explain one of these mornings:

As soon as I wake up, I can feel it. My own personal sense of worthlessness. I’m alone, what I do has no meaning, and I have nothing to look forward to. No, I’m not exaggerating. These feelings are what actually happens. And I’m struggling to get to the point where I can fend them off, punch them away for the day and get on with being the best person that I can be. But if those feelings win, then – No. Then I don’t want this. No. Why am I awake? Why can’t I just sleep forever? If I sleep, then this pain isn’t real. I don’t want this to be real. I just want it to go away. I don’t want to feel sad. I have nothing to look forward to. I barely got through yesterday, today’s going to be so hard, and tomorrow – God, I can’t even imagine tomorrow. I just want it to go away. “No!” (Insert potential crying)

Yes. My thoughts can go in that direction – sporadic, self-deprecating, miserable. The closest things I’ve heard from people that’s in line with this are intense breakups, a death of a loved one, or a lay-off. Have you ever experienced that? Well, take those moments when you were at your lowest. And now pretend that you can’t get a break from them, that it’s not a moment in time but all the time. Especially when you wake up and go to sleep. Fun, right?

So for me, that’s living. That’s my life. That’s my every day. I feel crazy, my head won’t stop screaming, and even my body will react with trouble breathing, the inability to move (but, actually), or feeling like I need to throw up. I spent so long thinking that those physical side effects were just normal for me, that it’s the difficulty in shutting off the negative that hurts the most. That’s when I want to get out of my head.

See, that pain is real. No matter how small the matter, in those times, everything feels like life or death. Everything. It becomes everything, because the small matter snowballs into thinking that everything is terrible. Everything is out to get me. Everything can’t be fixed. And I can’t get out. I can’t escape. It doesn’t feel like it will ever end. It feels like the world was meant to live on without me, that the only way to stop my suffering is to stop my own life.

I can grab at my head, I can tell myself all the rational words in the world, but that doesn’t stop the pain. I can’t stop crying; I feel like screaming. Sometimes I wish that people could see my pain physically manifested. But that doesn’t happen. I can tell people how much it hurts, and they’ll tell me it’ll stop with time. But that’s not how it works. I wish it was. I wish you could tell someone going through cancer or some other illness that time will heal it, and that statement will just be true. And I’ve never and will hopefully never hear someone judge a sick person, and tell them to just deal with it on their own. But I get told that.

It’s getting through those days that are hard. Living. That’s what’s hard. The every day. The monotony, the surprises of anxiety and sadness, the reality that is my depression. Pushing through and fighting back. Hoping – when there’s no real sign of an end – that I’ll make it through the difficulties. That I’ll get myself out of bed and face the world. Holding onto that hope. Holding on when the day ends and the danger in my mind is still kicking me.

Every day is hard. Every day can hurt. But it’s what I have to do. And if I can stop to think about it, every day is then a battle won. Every day makes me stronger and pushes me to get through my depression and anxiety to become a person who will not only have overcome it, but also will have accomplished so much more. And I think that’s kind of beautiful.

1. The quote is from Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. Can’t recommend it enough. In fact, if I continue with this blog, I will probably – definitely – center my discussion around the show at some point. No judgments. Heck, I’ll judge you for hating on that philosophical cake.