“The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfilment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” –Stanley Kubrick

I’ve come to believe that life is about choices. That the world doesn’t care about me or you, and there’s only so much we can control. Sometimes, with depression and anxiety, it’s all about the control. Can you control your emotions today or will they control you? As much as you would want it to solely be in your power, you can’t fully control if you get that job or keep someone from breaking up with you. The only thing you can really control is yourself. What you do. It’s about choices.

Depression takes my choices away from me. I want to get up, see the new day and learn something creative. But I wake up, and that feeling that it isn’t worth it overwhelms me. I tell myself that I should eat something, that I need that fuel to keep my body going. But my body doesn’t care for sustenance. I’m invited to a social event that I know will make me happy. But I freeze, unsure of myself, unsure of the invitation, unsure of everything, and I panic. I’m told to stop crying, get over it. But I can’t. I don’t choose to feel sad, it just happens. And I hate it.

Depression takes my choices away from me and makes me less of a person.

And I’m fighting back. Through therapy and medication, I’m taking my choices back. Medication helps with the little things. I can finally choose to go to sleep at a normal hour, instead of staring at the ceiling until the crack of dawn. A panic attack takes over, and I can quell it. But it’s not enough. At least not now. And that’s where the therapy comes in. That’s where I take back my power.

Cognitive behavioral therapy challenges the negative thought patterns about oneself and the world. It’s about defying what’s going on my head because so many things that run through my brain are self-defeating, self-mutilating, and it comes out in my actions. And then my actions self-sabotage. It’s just this huge circle of sadness that brings on more sadness. But that’s not me. That’s not who I am or who I want to be. I want to be able to choose my actions and the words that come out of my mouth, and not have to hear the depression talking or making decisions for me. I want to be able to choose to go to that dance class that I know I’ll enjoy or choose to meet up with someone who will make me smile; not give in to the madness of “you’re not good enough,” or “it’s not like it matters,” or “no one likes you anyways.” I want to be able to choose my life – living – when my own brain tells me that the world would be better otherwise.

I can by no means say that I’ve mastered that. That’s why I’m fighting. Every day, I fight. Some days are better than others, but oh can I tell you how often, how harsh, and how terrifyingly lonely those other days can be. But I’m here. I’m still standing. I’m still letting you know – I choose myself. I choose to stare down the ugly anxiety. I choose to keep getting up when my depression kicks me down. I choose to hold on to those moments when I have been able to hold my depression back and believe in a better life.