“It’s all your fault. If you hadn’t…this wouldn’t have happened to you. Your parents warned you, you really can’t trust anyone. Stop getting yourself in these situations. Stop thinking that maybe there are good people – maybe you can trust someone. Stop believing in the world. Stop giving yourself hope. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment. You’re not smart enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not interesting enough. Everybody leaves because it’s you. It’s all your fault.”

Sometimes I think that my life might be this one long torture session. And I’m the one inflicting the pain. Maybe these were things that were said to me when I was younger, and I’ve just been conditioned to repeat them. Or maybe it is my fault entirely for the circle of self-deprecation. It certainly doesn’t help in my anxiety and melancholy. That saying, “you’re your own worst critic”? Yeah, I understand that one.

It’s been hard for me to accept anything good. It’s hard for me to believe that something good will happen. At least, that something good will happen to me. When I hope, I really trust it. I can picture the good future, I can live in it and believe in it. And then – and then it doesn’t happen. And then I hate myself. Disappointed isn’t strong enough. It’s anger and distraught. I had been warned, and yet I allowed myself hope and expectations. I’m the one who put myself in this mess by setting myself up to lose. Lose friendships, lose hope, lose everything.

Because in these times I’m all alone. And If I have nothing or no one else to hold onto, nothing or no one else to believe in, then I don’t lose anything. Then everything else is in my control. Blaming myself makes me responsible. Blaming myself gives me the power over my own destiny and emotions. And if I can’t feel happy and loved, if that’s something that the world won’t allow me – then at least I’m the one who is making me feel this way. At least I’m the one who is hurting myself.

But you know what? I would never say any of these things to someone else. I would never want to hurt someone the way I damage myself. And that’s really messed up. Because if I don’t take care of me, who will?